I woke up today and for a second - well, maybe for two seconds - I wondered about my day.
After all, there's suddenly no play to occupy my time, "The Crucible" is over, there are no longer any lines to (religiously) review, no blocking to work on, no rehearsals to attend and/or performances to give. While I have been on the disabled list for a week with flu-like symptoms, I have (finally!) recovered, - so there is no illness to limit me. There is also no management job to consume me (has it really been almost three years?) with its plethora of ridiculous problems - and for the first time in years no parental medical and/or financial crisis' to worry about, address on the telephone (or in person) - controlling - and horribly haunting - much of my time. My daughter has graduated from Boston University (with honors by-the-way!) - but is off doing an internship with a museum and is not around during the day. (Which is as it should be.) And my girlfriend - AKA "Supermom" - is off at her own very difficult day job, facing an evening crammed with child-rearing, tutoring and personal training gigs...she is one hell of a busy lady...and so she is not around either. And - my most recent collection of music, the songs that make up "Stony Brook", have been released to the outside world, and I am finally free of the reviews and the re-reviews of the material in an effort to make them perfect. (We're talking dozens of hours here. Maybe more.) What's done...is done. (Hmmm....perhaps the vocals should have been a little louder...more auto tune?)
You understand the point...I now have much time to do some of the things I have been putting off for years. Important personal and financial decisions. Routine medical appointments. Organizing my personal space. (Always an exciting option!) Looking for a part-time job. Searching for acting - or at least - extra work. And...writing. Stories? Plays? More music? This blog? The possibilities are endless.
I find creativity expressed via the written word to be particularly empowering. And exciting. Putting yourself out there...for the world to see (and you all know how the world can be!) - is a wonderful, satisfying feeling. Doesn't matter if it's through writing, Acting. Or singing. And - it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Not if you're satisfied with the result. If you've worked hard enough. And if you've been truthful to the process.
My daughter once paid me a huge compliment. I had been cast as an actor for some project. I had been explaining to her the audition process. She stopped me. "You mean you beat out all those people who auditioned?...they selected you!" She was proud of me. And it made me very happy. But my daughter was still fairly young at the time and a relative newcomer to my weird little world. What she didn't realize was how difficult is was to walk into a room full of individuals whose sole purpose is to judge you - your appearance. Your voice. Your demeanor. And perform for them. I have been on many auditions. The only time I was unhappy was when I felt that I had not done my very best. Being able to audition - I was a success when I walked through the door.
I think of this all now because when I was deciding which projects to work on this morning, I received an email from a friend who had listened to my music. The email was complimentary. My friend did wonder, wasn't I scared? Worried? How could I put out material so...damn personal? My response was to direct my friend to re-listen to two relevant - and connected - songs on "Stony Brook" - and then to check out today's blog.
"I've Got To Hold On"....written when I was eighteen about my sophomore year in High School...when I was fifteen...Ha! I would not have been able to audition when I was fifteen. (But...I wanted to...very badly...) Tenth grade at James Madison HS... a teacher once asked me if I wanted to audition for a role in a school play. Naturally I told him "no". Audition? Hell, I couldn't even talk to people! In Social Studies class, last period of the day I sat next to a young lady named - I think - Vicki. Very cute as I recall. Short dark hair. A musician. Amazing what I can remember, this is a longggg time ago. I never so much as said hello to her. And I adored her. When my parents uprooted the family and we moved to Long Island I never saw her again. It ate at me...not the feeling about the specific young lady, there were others to take her place...but the feeling that I had failed. I could not express myself - or take a risk. It meant too much to me...that someone wouldn't like me. That I would be rejected.
You lose yourself when you care more about what other people think about you then the way you feel about yourself.
"On The Outside Looking In"...is my much more mature analysis - and response -to the problem. (After decades of therapy of course!) There are walls out there....not everyone will like you. People sometimes will be critical. Hurtful. Will try to diminish you (usually to mask their own insecurity. That's another subject.) But when you don't take a chance...don't go out and meet people...don't try different people and things on for size, don't expose yourself to everything the world has to offer...and when you can't open up - really open up! about yourself...you voluntarily place yourself outside the pale. A willing accomplice. Your own personal assassin. Locking the door. From the inside. (Putting yourself on the outside...looking in.)
This is unacceptable, self-destructive behavior.
More about all of this another time.
There are auditions out there.
Talk to all soon...be well!
Stevenn
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