On Thursday the 25th Sharyn and her children left for their three-week trip to France. And the next day I awoke what I hoped to be a productive and busy day, ready to begin working on a huge list of important tasks. Important repairs to my apartment - postponed out of necessity but now demanding attention - along with items of a more personal and creative nature: re-learning the guitar, continuing work on a play I had begun…re-focusing on acting, obtaining new (and long overdue) head shots...the list was long….
Instead I did nothing. (Well…almost nothing.) Day after day after day - all the same - the weeks flew by - it was all the same. After breakfast I drove to the gym, enjoyed my usual workout, I would come back to my apartment. But the good feelings would disappear. The summer sun would rise high in the sky. And- I would sit on my couch, look at "The List"…and do nothing. (And I mean nothing.) No apartment repairs. No music. No writing. No acting. No nothing. Staying indoors on the couch. Day after day. Completely immobilized. Something completely new to me….
It was the culmination of the past five years, five years of a lot of sadness, frustration, anger - five years filled with much physiological pain and loss….
Five years which included…the agonizingly slow and horrible decline of my parents
(who in later life became my good friends after I went through years and therapy - and ultimately forgave them for their well-intentioned mistakes)…the wakeup call that elderly Americans are deemed surplus and non-essential and not valued by their government to whom they faithfully paid taxes...the horrible manner in which the medical profession, insurance companies and (supposed) professional caregivers seemingly conspired to inflict unnecessary pain and suffering on two of those most wonderful and gentle people I will ever meet... the fatal accident that took the life of one of Sharyn's very special family members….and the medical problems which struck her father around the same time…the mysterious end to a lifelong friendship I treasured...my sudden retirement (under duress) from a managerial job that - if I didn't truly enjoy - certainly provided years of great personal satisfaction as I worked hard to lead an office whose purpose to help the poor, aged, and disabled population - until my employers degenerated into incompetent, arbitrary and vindictive bureaucrats who forgot their noble purpose in their zeal for professional success….and sanctioned the most unacceptable and disgusting abuse of those individuals who were the organization's most dedicated and hard-working individuals…
Not that there weren't wonderful times as well…I did some acting in a few theatre productions and small movies…..and through the computer brought to life old songs that had remained in my desk drawer - unheard and unsung - for decades….my relationship with Sharyn was filled with much love, mutual respect and good times. I watched my daughter grow into a remarkable, sophisticated, intelligent, accomplished - and exceptionally kind - young woman…and watched Sharyn's children -who are younger - move towards adulthood with a stream of wonderful personal and creative accomplishments that belied their relative youth…I enjoyed becoming part of Sharyn's family and sharing so many nice times…and I treasured my relationship with my brother Peter, more important than ever now that we were orphans. And I still had fun with a few old friends, with whom I could share good times as well as a laugh (or two) at the memory of our outrageous and irresponsible behavior "back in the day"…
But then I hit sixty years -of-age. The half-full glass turned upside down. The good somehow didn't mean as much. And the "looping" began. Replaying all the bad over and over - and painfully aware now that I was now the same age as my father had been when I was in college….it seemed like such a short time ago - and so where was that all going to end up?…and was there no way (except one unacceptable way) to avoid the road my parents had most recently traveled? Retirement and all the associated free time only fueled the bad thoughts….the "looping"...I had once hoped to do more acting, writing, music…fulfill my lifelong creative aspirations...but the auditions weren't coming, there was no money for more lessons, and when I sat down to write….nothing happened.
And then it did. My mother was my role model - she was a tough person who - just weeks from death - was still talking about attending a New Years Eve party! and I remembered….not just my mother's determination not to succumb to her physical limitations….but also the equally amazing group of senior citizens she lived with near the end…people in their nineties, a few over one hundred, many who could barely walk. Some in unbearable pain. Others who could not see or hear. Some who could no longer control their bladders….and almost all of whom got themselves out of bed each and every day when remaining in bed would have been the safe and easy choice….individuals who dragged themselves to communal meals two or three times a day, went to and enjoyed concerts and comedy shows, played bingo or cards, discussed current events and argued politics, told stories of the old days, laughed to risqué jokes, gossiped about their neighbors and friends - and did whatever they could to wring the last ounce of joy out of each and every day, They were "living in the moment"…because what else is left? (And- when I would visit and offer to help…they would almost always thank me…and explain that they would try to help themselves first…)
So I got up from the couch. I decided that I was no longer going to give in to the negative thoughts, the self-destructive "looping". I started therapy, both conventional and hypnotherapy. I redoubled my efforts to do things that gave me pleasure….saw my friends as much as possible…
and I started writing new music, began composing hours and hours of brand new music…for the first time in decades...a sustained burst of creativity that ultimately resulted in the songs that make up my new collection entitled "December's Children". I worked through my many issues as I composed the music and lyrics…songs that celebrate personal achievement, love, family and friends…and songs that helped to eliminate or at least address my personal demons on subjects such as depression, old age, death, loss, recovery...and target in a therapeutic manner my animosity towards the medical profession, insurance complains, nursing homes, rehabilitation centers, the many strange and counter-productive American priorities - and the inability of our leaders to productively work together to solve some longstanding economic and social problems that make life difficult and painful for large numbers of Americans.
The words and music on these fifteen brand new songs helped me get through a very difficult period. I am very grateful. And also very grateful that I experienced the trials and tribulations of "December's Children"…and got to know those wonderful and tough individuals...
And what do you know? I am almost sixty-one.
Be safe, see you soon- Stevenn
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