Hi Friends!
BACK IN THE DAY…© stevenn beck
The other day - when I was discussing how people lie - and look you right in the eyes as they do it - I listed one of my Internet dates as an example.
That reminded me of some of the worst dates I experienced - of course….they all were REALLY "back in the day", since I "retired" from Internet dating way back n February 2004. (BTW- I wasn't given a "farewell tour" - you know, like the Yankees gave Derek Jeter - but it is likely my number - 275 - is retired - and the Internet Dating Hall of Fame (or is it "Shame"?) is eagerly awaiting the clothes I wore on my final Internet date (they're going to have to wait a while longer though…the sweater and jeans I wore that evening are still hanging in, you know - quality stuff, I purchased them at "The Gap".)
Anyway: my top five Internet dating horror stories are as follows:
1- I drove all the way from Staten Island to Yonkers (not an easy ride…BQE to the Brooklyn Bridge to the FDR drive and up the entire east side of Manhattan). The woman I was meeting happened to be walking in the parking lot of the restaurant as I drove up. Spotting my 1994 Ford Escort - a perfectly serviceable automobile - she looked at me and said "Ohhhhh. THIS must be your 'LONER' car, right?" - meaning my REAL car was obviously in the shop. My response? "Have a nice life" - and I immediately got back into my poor little 1994 Ford Escort and traveled all the way home to Staten Island.
2- The following week I returned to Yonkers to meet someone else - I guess I was a glutton for punishment, didn't I ever learn? Evidently there must be something in the water up there in Yonkers…this time I walked into a bar and a woman rushed up to me, excitedly saying "oh, I am so glad to meet you…the guy last week was so ugly I pretended to me my own cousin and told him that I was was ill!" Say what? I looked at her in amazement. What a terrible thing to do! She couldn't spend an hour with the guy? And she had to lie to him on top of it? I turned on my heels and quickly ended that date as well.
3. Then there was the women I met out in Newark. You remember Seinfeld's girlfriend with "man-hands"? This woman had a "man-voice"….she made James Earl Jones sound like a woman. Regardless, she was very attractive….and I guess she liked me….and it might have been OK - until she started to plan our ENTIRE life together on the basis of that ONE meal. (Actually - I think she started to make these plans BEFORE the meal arrived.)
4. One Sunday I went to brunch with a woman who lived on the east side. She was a musician, had kind of a "hippie" carefree attitude and it seemed that we might have something in common. That was, until she stated that what she really loved to was to go home to Nassau County and - I kid you not - "get my Jap on". (Actually I don't think she liked me but you better believe it was a quick "sayonara" on that date.
5. Finally - I once went out to Rockaway to meet someone who was a very cute - and nice - woman in her mid-fourties. Turned out she had FIVE children under the age of ten - she'd somehow forgotten to tell me that bit of rather important information - but I liked her, thought the date had gone well…and asked to see her again. The woman - whose wealthy husband had left her BTW for a 25-year-old - looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, you're a nice guy….but I'm looking for someone who looks like Tom Cruise AND can support me (and the five children I assume) in the style to which I'm accustomed." Huh?
What can I tell you?
It's nice to be retired.
At least - from Internet dating!
See you soon- be safe!
Stevenn
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