"BACK IN THE DAY"….FORGIVING, FORGETTING…BEING HUMAN?

Hi Friends!

"BACK IN THE DAY" © stevenn beck

A story about forgiveness…

I have THE gene.

Well, of course I have a lot of genes. One of them is what I call the "Self-Made Prison Gene" i.e.. the one where you worry so much about people's approval and reactions that you become afraid to take chances. (And therefore you keep yourself from doing the things you really want to do.)

But today...I am not talking about THAT gene. I am talking about the one where you feel betrayed, ignored, and/or diminished by someone you once loved….perhaps family or a close friend…and then never forgive them or speak with them again. Right up until the time they die. I most certainly have THAT gene - along with the anger-oriented-unable-to-communicate gene,,,,but years and years of therapy and hard work have pretty much allowed me to get them under control. Which is important….because cutting off communication, remaining angry, never forgetting….belies the fact that we are all human. And all fallible. Being unable to forgive or forget…in the end…makes one less human….

It is so important to be able to forgive and forget. Family, close friends…what else is there?

Lessons learned? Two quick examples: My baby brother Peter turns 60 next May. For reasons I will not go into here, I pretty much tortured him for the first 20 years of his life. I had a lot of problems, he was younger, an easy target. Yet when I obtained a teaching job down in Fredericksburg VA and drove down south to stay with him in Baltimore (on my way down to VA) Peter was there for me. He not only allowed me to stay over but took the next day off and accompanied me down to my interview. Very much appreciated. And during the almost two years I lived in Fredericksburg - not what I would describe as the best of times - Peter would drive down to keep me company as often as he could. Or I would go up to visit him. Peter should have been very angry with me, perhaps angry enough to cut me out. And he wasn't. Instead he extended himself and he was a real friend. I really love my brother and I am very lucky. And he showed me the way….

Second example: my old college friend - whom I call "The Avenger of Edenn" was a loud, sometimes obnoxious guy, one of these guys who would burst into the room and take over the scene. He would violate the "guy code" - the one where, if you were trying to talk to a woman, your friends would back off. But not The Avenger….and eventually I cut him off. Completely. - and he was gone. A decade and a half later….having gone through my first few rounds of therapy and been provided the wonderful example of "forgive and forget" presented by my brother, I started thinking about the reasons why The Avenger behaved in such a manner. I came to the realization that he was grossly unsure of himself - much as I was at the time - he just had a different way of dealing with it. Taking the time to understand The Avenger - why he behaved as he had, his relationship with his parents, siblings, other stresses - led me to look him up again….concentrating on our similarities not our differences -and we had a wonderful and heartfelt reunion…The Avenger similarly putting aside any anger or animosity he may have carried over his expulsion form our group...and we have remained in contact all these years later.

Forgiving and forgetting enriched both of our lives - and made us feel more human. And - we didn't wait until it was too late.

Thanks Peter for being such a terrific role model…and a toast to you and The Avenger of Edenn…thanks for being….human?

Bye for now - be safe!

Stevenn